The Secrets of Sleep

When I was a kid I remember asking my Mom for advice about "how" to fall asleep. I was surprised that the answer wasn't as clear-cut as being told how to flip off a light switch or tie one's shoes. My little seven year old brain wanted a method. I remember looking over one night when I was very young; shocked that the clock said 10 p.m. and I STILL wasn't asleep!

Well...after a small bought with insomnia during high school I came away with some tips and tricks that help me fall asleep...and I thought I'd share with you...so try to stay awake.


  1. Prepare your surroundings...don't go listening to Deadmau5 or Skrillex and dancing around with all the lights on in your apartment right before you need to be asleep. Turn most of the lights off an hour before sleepy time. 
  2. Don't eat stupid shit like the sugary caffeinated Coke, taunting you from the fridge. Also, if you have a teeny weenie bladder like me...don't drink anything at all before bed.
  3. Have a bed time routine...watch the Nanny every night from 9 - 10 and then watch Chelsea Handler from 10 - 10:30...substitutions can be made for these shows (but that's not recommended).
  4. Adjust the thermostat accordingly and wear comfy PJ's like a Steelers jersey and boxers to bed. Haha, that's what I'm wearing right now!


Okay so you're lying in bed and your brain won't shut off.

  • Try staying up a bit later and reading something horrendously boring like...your college Channel Planning textbook. 
  • Try switching on the TV and turn it to cartoons...watch the senseless running around of Tom and Jerry and just empty your brain. 
  • Try this: If you can't shut your brain off try catching yourself when thoughts sneak back in...stop the thoughts and roll over...if you start thinking again....stop the thoughts and roll over again...usually works for me.


Also...I have this awesome app called Sleepmaker that got me through college and many obnoxious roommates. Listen to the tenderly trickling rain drops of the app until you're floating towards sleepy happy time.

For years...even now still...when I can't fall asleep I literally picture myself sitting at my desk in High School...usually either in French class or World History. One time in college stats, I had to literally leave the room and splash cold water on my face to keep from dropping my head down right there in class and going straight to sleep.

Most of all remember NO PRESSURE. The thing that tripped me up in high school is that I'd look at the clock and it'd say 1 a.m. and I'd FREAK because I had to wake up at 5. The attitude you need to assume is one of nonchalance. Who gives a shit if it's 3 a.m. and you're still awake...you don't! The less you freak out or get frustrated...the more easily you'll go to sleep.

Let your mind wander to random crap. Things that make no sense. Picture a sheep on a mountain. Now it's snowing. Now picture a donut being filled with jelly. Now picture your mailman naked. Just kidding...don't do that last one (or you...it's up to you and the attractiveness of your local mailman). If you let you're mind stray just a little bit...it will get the hint and wander off into sleepy territories instead of staying stuck on fully formed thoughts.

So that's it...those are my tips. And just for your viewing pleasure...well, mostly mine...I'm providing you  with this lovely picture of Chris Meloni for you to to think of as you drift off to sleep.





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