Designated Doodler

There is a good chance that you need to hear at least one of these things at this moment or throughout the new year: 1. Stop looking at your anger or anxiety as a wall you keep running into. Instead, look closely at the bricks that make up the wall. Attack the wall one brick at a time and watch the wall disappear. 2. Fear is an illusion. When anxiety strikes, you have to lean into it to get out of it. 3. You are where you need to be. Even if you feel stuck, even if you hate it, even if you don't understand it - stop trying to escape, and start asking yourself what you can learn from this. 4. People who don't have a clear sense of their own identity latch on to others. They turn their insecurity into gossip, their anxiety into manipulation, their inferiority complex into sabotage. Remember that you are a separate organism and that you can choose to either let their toxins in, or keep them out. Don't take on others' baggage before unpacking your own. If you ca...

I know that a lot of people are getting wrist tattoos featuring a single word that describes something they love. I've considered this trend…however, I think people might judge me if I get "donuts" tattooed on my wrist. Which is why my backup word is "Netflix."

As a child I had straight (albeit wavy) hair. There isn't a single photo of me as a child with curly hair, because I didn't have it! I loved my hair! It was great! And then it went curly when I was like…11? And I when I say curly, I mean CURLY. Not to mention I have enough head on my hair for two people (easy). No seriously…sometimes hairdressers up the charge, or charge me double because I have so much hair. So you get the picture…I have a lot of curly hair. The odd thing is…I get treated TOTALLY different when I straighten my hair (which takes about 3 hours). By the time I got to college, my hair relaxed to a mildly manageable point and I began to get Keratin treatments and straighten it. I noticed immediately a jarring difference in how I was perceived and treated. People thought I was older when my hair was straight. Not to mention, they paid more attention to me! When my hair was curly, people perceived me to be younger and "nerdy." I was treated ...

Introducing “Eternity” a new fragrance for men (not associated with Calvin Klein). This alluring mist is the #1 scent given to newly married men. The aroma is heavy, clinging and lasts forever. Hence the fact that sales are steadily declining. If you listen closely as you spray yourself with “Eternity” you can almost hear your wife’s nagging voice. Close your eyes, take a deep breath in and picture you and your spouse at 90 years old. By that time, the beautiful aroma will linger in your wrinkles and amplify your natural scent of despair. You will definitely get noticed while wearing “Eternity” but pay no mind to those beautiful women giving you “the look,” because you’re already taken…for “Eternity.” Do not imagine what your life could have been as a free bachelor who doesn’t have three snotty kids clinging to your pant cuff dusted with paper shreds from your mind-numbing job that you need to support these four leeches. Instead, calm yourself an...

--> The Idiot This is the person who attempts to get through a yellow light when traffic is stopped/backed up and they end up sitting in the intersection and costing you a green light. The Roid Rager This is the person (usually in a truck) who decides you’re not going fast enough and gets right up on your ass. My response? Go even slower. The Straight Shooter This is the driver who doesn’t look in their rearview to notice your right turn signal and just sits in the right lane waiting for the light, because they are going straight. This usually occurs when you are in a rush and are behind only one car who wants to go straight while you, and the long line behind you, have their right turn signals on. The Nervous Nancy This is the bozo who won’t turn on to the I-10 frontage road until it is nearly COMPLETELY clear of all cars (which is impossible). They have multiple chances to venture onto the highway but must be too scarred from playing too many games o...

It is a scientifically proven fact that time slows during the afternoon work hours. The greatest anomaly occurring on Friday afternoons when subjects are inside at work. “There’s just something about Friday’s,” said Doctor Fulloshit. “It’s as if time slows to a crawl, yet the clocks on the wall are keeping normal time. We, at the Institute of Weary Adulthood, have been studying this phenomenon for centuries. And although it hasn’t changed much, the effects are felt much more with the younger generations.” Reputable news source Youngginz interviewed young adults and found that over 99% have at some time experienced, what they have labeled, epically-slow-bored-afternoon, or ESBA for short. And the intensified version of ESBA that occurs on Fridays is called Unbearably-Slow-Friday-Afternoon-Time-Warp, or USFATW. "There's just no getting around it," said Fred Jackson a 20-something graphic designer. "It happens every Friday and to lesser d...

Introducing Desperation ...a new fragrance from Forever Alone. Are you tired of being all alone? Going to movies by yourself? Having dinner for one? Putting your dog down as your emergency contact? Then purchase some Desperation ! This deep and rich scent is sure to overpower you. Scent notes include: fertile myrtle, running out of thyme, sage with envy, hoe wood, can't elope, and vanilla. With a quick squirt of this fine mist you will immediately stand out to everyone around you. For best results, dab inside wrists, on pulse points at the neck, a little on your chest and a heaping spray down your pants. Everyone around you will be sure to recognize that you are wearing Desperation . Use of this product may cause side effects including (but not limited to): suddenly being attracted to douchebags/skanks, being abandoned by whatever friends you do have, a desire for hard liquor, hitting on your cousin(s), listening to Enya, the need to create an online dating profile, poppi...

Introducing....Power.... from the world renowned Forever Whinery. It's time to get drunk with Power. No matter what your social stance, this $7,000 bottle of wine is perfect for you! The grapes have been carefully hand selected and foot stomped by disgruntled employees. As soon as you purchase POWER you've already, instantly, become loathed. Take a good look at the blood red color of the wine. You will notice shimmering gold flecks throughout the wine, made from the finest imported 24k gold shavings.  Swirl POWER around in your crystal cut glass and take a deep breath. Rich aromas of oak, hazelnut, musk, tobacco, dirty money, and minion's tears will make its way up your nostrils. Savor the wine. Swish it around in your mouth. Let the feeling of entitlement flood your refined taste buds. Feel the weight and body of the wine on your palette; notice its entitled grapes loosening your blabbering tongue. Finally, evaluate the finish of the wine. It should wash over...

The following are things I like/snippets of my life: Me about to teach class. What we painted... Two tiny paintings I did A creepy dude I drew (above) and a painting I did of Pittsburgh (below)    My story stats. I was pretty happy breaking 8k in one month. FUNNIES: Did I mention that I'm getting published again? Give you a hint...it's something I wrote that involves my cat, Sweetie. So apparently I missed my calling :P I took a Suits quiz to see what kind of lawyer I'd be. And while Louis is TERRIBLE and I don't agree with the last four words, it was a pretty good quiz.  Suits, Mike and Harvey, I'm going down with this ship

All created by yours truly.