Houston Drivers

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The Idiot

This is the person who attempts to get through a yellow light when traffic is stopped/backed up and they end up sitting in the intersection and costing you a green light.

The Roid Rager

This is the person (usually in a truck) who decides you’re not going fast enough and gets right up on your ass. My response? Go even slower.

The Straight Shooter

This is the driver who doesn’t look in their rearview to notice your right turn signal and just sits in the right lane waiting for the light, because they are going straight. This usually occurs when you are in a rush and are behind only one car who wants to go straight while you, and the long line behind you, have their right turn signals on.

The Nervous Nancy

This is the bozo who won’t turn on to the I-10 frontage road until it is nearly COMPLETELY clear of all cars (which is impossible). They have multiple chances to venture onto the highway but must be too scarred from playing too many games of Frogger.

The Crawler

There are a lot of flyovers in Houston. These wee babes can’t handle the upswing of these spaghetti bowls and so they slow to a crawl on the incline. These are most likely diehard Texans who have never witnessed hills and don’t realize that you must apply MORE gas going uphill and LESS going down. They do the reverse.

The Maniac

This is the complete PSYCHO that weaves in and out of lanes like they’ve got a death wish. They’ll slip between cars with no turn signal and cross five lanes of traffic just to exit. They’ll run red lights, barely stop at stop signs, and they never look both ways.

The Indecisive Idiot

This is the driver that isn’t quite sure whether they should stop or go, turn or keep straight, breathe or blink. They like to make you think they’re going through a yellow light just to SLAM on their brakes. They like to act like they’re turning out of a parking lot just to SCREECH to a halt once more. These are the yellow-bellied chicken livers that love to cause fender benders.

When I become Governor or President or whatever…I would enforce a more strict driving instruction/driving tests. When I got my license there was this kid taking the written portion for his. He flunked it and the lady SHOULD HAVE SAID – “you failed, come back in a week when you’ve studied.” But she instead said, go back over and take another swing at it. DUDE he just memorized all the right answers. Do you see the problem here? Things are too lax. No wonder we’ve got such numskulls on the road. Drivers Ed isn’t even a part of schools – that’s ridiculous! Things need to change, it needs to be HARDER to get a license…yes I said “harder.” Then, maybe our roads would be safer.