The Truth About ESBA


It is a scientifically proven fact that time slows during the afternoon work hours. The greatest anomaly occurring on Friday afternoons when subjects are inside at work.

“There’s just something about Friday’s,” said Doctor Fulloshit. “It’s as if time slows to a crawl, yet the clocks on the wall are keeping normal time. We, at the Institute of Weary Adulthood, have been studying this phenomenon for centuries. And although it hasn’t changed much, the effects are felt much more with the younger generations.”

Reputable news source Youngginz interviewed young adults and found that over 99% have at some time experienced, what they have labeled, epically-slow-bored-afternoon, or ESBA for short. And the intensified version of ESBA that occurs on Fridays is called Unbearably-Slow-Friday-Afternoon-Time-Warp, or USFATW.

"There's just no getting around it," said Fred Jackson a 20-something graphic designer. "It happens every Friday and to lesser degrees during the week as well. But Friday's are just the worst. I mean...what's the point of working on Friday afternoon? It seems like 90% of Texans have either every Friday or every other Friday afternoon off...but not me."

As Fred hung his head in despair and vowed to make a swooping typographic poster to illustrate his dilemma, this reporter realized what a toll ESBA and USFATW has taken on the work force.

"I mean, I'm only 27," said paralegal Amanda Dean, "I can't imagine having to deal with both ESBA and USFATW for the next forty or fifty years. Sometimes when I'm at work it feels as if time has come to a screeching halt. I have to remind myself that fun is still possible in order to feel better."

When asked how Amanda compensates for this insane slowness during the day her disposition became clouded.

"I use food to cope with my boredom. I hoard sugary items in my desk to keep my eyelids open and take a trip to the vending machine when I need to get up and walk around," Amanda said placing a hand on a roll of stomach skin and lifting it up. "ESBA and USFATW have led me down a dark road...I've been told that I put the "FAT" in USFATW.

Studies are currently going on at the renowned Institute of Time, and every employee around the country is anticipating not only the results, but the solution to this increasingly prevalent problem.

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