Somebody Save Me
How did infertility and PCOS become my entire life? That's the question I'm asking today as yet, one more of my many friends announces that they are pregnant.
At this point, I could build a nice little doll house out of all the negative pregnancy sticks I've ever used. And it has gotten quite old - seeing literally everyone - post about how they're pregnant, or what the gender is, or are on their third kid, or posting pics of their kid's birthday party or nursery or whatever.
When you yourself are wondering if you'll ever - ever be pregnant - if you'll ever get to experience that joy...seeing all that online is like getting a cut. Here's one big cut for that last negative test, add it to the fifteen others. Here's a little cut from Instagram, and another one from Facebook. Oh, and Pinterest would like to suggest baby products for you.
You walk through your own house, staring at the room you'd thought would be a nursery by now - and it isn't.
Every day is a fresh wave of heartbreak. Every let down hurts more and more. And especially as a teacher, seeing how some parents treat their kids (extremely poorly), you can't help but wonder...why did they get this child and I get nothing?
Why does adoption start at $30k and who the hell thought it was alright to put price tags on human beings? Why the hell does fertility treatment cost anything at all? And why does insurance not cover it?
Because it's a fucking business. It's all a big, booming business, trading on my heartache, profiting from my failure to conceive. And I, on the sidelines, get to watch my bank account drain. I get another blood test, take more Letrozole, order more sperm from the bank, get another ultrasound, obsessively time my cycle...and then get to go to the store or the salon and hear about another woman who just accidentally became pregnant *whoops* "hehehe."
And my clinic keeps assuring me..."hey, you have PCOS, but it's treatable. We've gotten you ovulating, everything will be okay." But everyday I'm not pregnant, every failed cycle, I lose hope. It feels like it'll never happen because it's something good and something I want to have happen. Therefore, it won't.
And to top it all off...there's trying to work around the fertility clinic's schedule. They called my prescription into the wrong place twice. Once, they called it into the wrong place AND they called in the wrong dose. Not to mention, this past month, they had me do a cycle, get all prepared, and the DAY OF MY INSEMINATION - THEY FAILED TO TELL ME THAT I WAS OUT OF SPERM.
"Oh hey - we know you took off work for this and your boss is going to hate you...we could have told you a month ago, or a week ago, or even a half an hour ago - but you're out of sperm. Whoopsie! And you have to be inseminated today and your bank is in Seattle. So there goes a whole entire month for you!"
It's like getting beaten up. Every bill is a cut. Every negative test is a cut. Every Facebook post from your obnoxiously fertile friends is a cut. And before you know it, both you and your bank account are bleeding out.
Do I sound bitter? Good. Because I am. Some people just magically meet their spouse and everything works out for them. I never met my man. I resigned myself to the fact that I'd be alone and raise my kid alone. And now I'm having even that taken away? Now I have to resign myself to no husband and no kids? I mean, where does the suffering end?
Every single day I take care of other people's kids. I would make an excellent and loving mother. And I'm sitting here empty handed, typing this instead. I'm fighting as hard as I possibly can to start my family...I'm doing everything within my power...and it's still not enough. And there are days when I want to just sink into my bed and have my bed sink into the ground and never emerge again. Because this is my dream - this is literally all I have ever waited for and wanted in my life.
And it feels as if my body has betrayed me. I feel broken. Too add to that, my clinic has betrayed me. Medical care in this country has betrayed me. Insurance has betrayed me. My own expectations for what I thought my life would be has betrayed me. And the person I'm mad at the most is myself. I hate my body, I hate that I have this burning desire to have kids. I wish I could flip that switch off and stop feeling like I'm suffocating beneath this weight of this thing that I cannot improve or fix.
We can fix men's erectile dysfunction so that they can bang when they're 80 but we can't fix PCOS? We can't fix infertility? If it was a "man's" issue, you'd better believe that it would be both covered under insurance and there'd be a whole hoard of doctors and scientists working on finding a solution.
So what am I to do now? Host a bake sale for when I run out of money? And when I do run out of money and want to adopt...where am I supposed to get $30-50k to adopt a baby? "Hey everyone, here's my Go Fund Me! I need YOUR help in order to live some semblance of a normal life! Mind donating?"
I mean...what do I do?
I don't even have a husband to hold my hand through this, to cry on his shoulder.
And I'm tired. Very, very tired. And upset. And lost.
IUI should not cost $500 per cycle when it only has a 20% chance of working
IVF should not cost $10,000 and upwards and not be covered by insurance
Sperm should not cost $3,000 and $180 to ship
Blood tests should be covered, not $250
My thyroid medicine is over $100
The vitamins and Letrozole is over $50
Every cycle I get TWO internal ultrasounds, one on the first day of my period (ASSUMING I CAN GET AN APPT AT THE CLINIC) and one when I should be ovulating to see if I did or not $$$
Then there's taking time off work -$$
Somebody, anybody, help me. Save me. Even if it's with a cookie and moral support. Even if it's raising your awareness of how people's dreams have been monetized and the fact that my hope relies on this sick fucking business cycle. Are these doctors making people's dreams come true? Yeah, maybe, sometimes. But they're also making one hell of a profit, as are the sperm banks, and the pharma companies and the testing facilities and don't even get me started on why KIDS WHO NEED HOMES have a massive price tag on their heads when all they want is love and a home.
I need you - whoever is reading this. I need you because even though I'm trapped in a nightmare...maybe my nightmare can bring some help to somebody somewhere. Maybe I can be your moral support if you're going through this too. Maybe I can educate people on this sick cycle of money making. Maybe - someday - I will finally be pregnant.
At this point, I could build a nice little doll house out of all the negative pregnancy sticks I've ever used. And it has gotten quite old - seeing literally everyone - post about how they're pregnant, or what the gender is, or are on their third kid, or posting pics of their kid's birthday party or nursery or whatever.
When you yourself are wondering if you'll ever - ever be pregnant - if you'll ever get to experience that joy...seeing all that online is like getting a cut. Here's one big cut for that last negative test, add it to the fifteen others. Here's a little cut from Instagram, and another one from Facebook. Oh, and Pinterest would like to suggest baby products for you.
You walk through your own house, staring at the room you'd thought would be a nursery by now - and it isn't.
Every day is a fresh wave of heartbreak. Every let down hurts more and more. And especially as a teacher, seeing how some parents treat their kids (extremely poorly), you can't help but wonder...why did they get this child and I get nothing?
Why does adoption start at $30k and who the hell thought it was alright to put price tags on human beings? Why the hell does fertility treatment cost anything at all? And why does insurance not cover it?
Because it's a fucking business. It's all a big, booming business, trading on my heartache, profiting from my failure to conceive. And I, on the sidelines, get to watch my bank account drain. I get another blood test, take more Letrozole, order more sperm from the bank, get another ultrasound, obsessively time my cycle...and then get to go to the store or the salon and hear about another woman who just accidentally became pregnant *whoops* "hehehe."
And my clinic keeps assuring me..."hey, you have PCOS, but it's treatable. We've gotten you ovulating, everything will be okay." But everyday I'm not pregnant, every failed cycle, I lose hope. It feels like it'll never happen because it's something good and something I want to have happen. Therefore, it won't.
And to top it all off...there's trying to work around the fertility clinic's schedule. They called my prescription into the wrong place twice. Once, they called it into the wrong place AND they called in the wrong dose. Not to mention, this past month, they had me do a cycle, get all prepared, and the DAY OF MY INSEMINATION - THEY FAILED TO TELL ME THAT I WAS OUT OF SPERM.
"Oh hey - we know you took off work for this and your boss is going to hate you...we could have told you a month ago, or a week ago, or even a half an hour ago - but you're out of sperm. Whoopsie! And you have to be inseminated today and your bank is in Seattle. So there goes a whole entire month for you!"
It's like getting beaten up. Every bill is a cut. Every negative test is a cut. Every Facebook post from your obnoxiously fertile friends is a cut. And before you know it, both you and your bank account are bleeding out.
Do I sound bitter? Good. Because I am. Some people just magically meet their spouse and everything works out for them. I never met my man. I resigned myself to the fact that I'd be alone and raise my kid alone. And now I'm having even that taken away? Now I have to resign myself to no husband and no kids? I mean, where does the suffering end?
Every single day I take care of other people's kids. I would make an excellent and loving mother. And I'm sitting here empty handed, typing this instead. I'm fighting as hard as I possibly can to start my family...I'm doing everything within my power...and it's still not enough. And there are days when I want to just sink into my bed and have my bed sink into the ground and never emerge again. Because this is my dream - this is literally all I have ever waited for and wanted in my life.
And it feels as if my body has betrayed me. I feel broken. Too add to that, my clinic has betrayed me. Medical care in this country has betrayed me. Insurance has betrayed me. My own expectations for what I thought my life would be has betrayed me. And the person I'm mad at the most is myself. I hate my body, I hate that I have this burning desire to have kids. I wish I could flip that switch off and stop feeling like I'm suffocating beneath this weight of this thing that I cannot improve or fix.
We can fix men's erectile dysfunction so that they can bang when they're 80 but we can't fix PCOS? We can't fix infertility? If it was a "man's" issue, you'd better believe that it would be both covered under insurance and there'd be a whole hoard of doctors and scientists working on finding a solution.
So what am I to do now? Host a bake sale for when I run out of money? And when I do run out of money and want to adopt...where am I supposed to get $30-50k to adopt a baby? "Hey everyone, here's my Go Fund Me! I need YOUR help in order to live some semblance of a normal life! Mind donating?"
I mean...what do I do?
I don't even have a husband to hold my hand through this, to cry on his shoulder.
And I'm tired. Very, very tired. And upset. And lost.
IUI should not cost $500 per cycle when it only has a 20% chance of working
IVF should not cost $10,000 and upwards and not be covered by insurance
Sperm should not cost $3,000 and $180 to ship
Blood tests should be covered, not $250
My thyroid medicine is over $100
The vitamins and Letrozole is over $50
Every cycle I get TWO internal ultrasounds, one on the first day of my period (ASSUMING I CAN GET AN APPT AT THE CLINIC) and one when I should be ovulating to see if I did or not $$$
Then there's taking time off work -$$
Somebody, anybody, help me. Save me. Even if it's with a cookie and moral support. Even if it's raising your awareness of how people's dreams have been monetized and the fact that my hope relies on this sick fucking business cycle. Are these doctors making people's dreams come true? Yeah, maybe, sometimes. But they're also making one hell of a profit, as are the sperm banks, and the pharma companies and the testing facilities and don't even get me started on why KIDS WHO NEED HOMES have a massive price tag on their heads when all they want is love and a home.
I need you - whoever is reading this. I need you because even though I'm trapped in a nightmare...maybe my nightmare can bring some help to somebody somewhere. Maybe I can be your moral support if you're going through this too. Maybe I can educate people on this sick cycle of money making. Maybe - someday - I will finally be pregnant.
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